I recently had a conversation with 2 lovely ladies and it was amazing to see how our voices echoed each other as we shared 3 very different and geographical stories of our relationships and how family christian beliefs tried to stifle them. It inspired this post, which I hope is found as empowering.

Fear is too often used to control and manipulate young believers. Period.

Myself, and these two young women I spoke to and countless others fall victim to opinions, subtle accusations, and plain judgement.

I shared with these girls only a snippet of the story I will share in this post, and as I told this story their faces lit up and we shared plenty “smh” moments because my story was not very different from their own. They too had moments where they had to make sense of what was “right” and choosing between pleasing others over their own happiness and future.

Phillip, my love, and I have been together since 2014. We dated for about 3 months in the same city before we became a long distance couple (ldr). We have always been pro-self and pro-career and supported each of our own moves to reach our goals. We spent years as an LDR couple and the year 2016 brought us a unique opportunity. We were both going to grad school and his programs he was choosing between were low-residency, meaning he could live anywhere and get his degree. As exciting as this was, I had to confront my own thoughts and values. Phillip was down to live with me no questions asked, but he knew and respected that I did not want to live with a man who was not my husband. I racked my brain and my heart, I felt we had been given such a blessing but I thought it wasn’t “right”. However after days of praying and thinking and harping over this to myself and others, I realized not wanting to live with a man until I was married was a value I picked up from others, not myself, and definitely not the Bible. My reservations about living with Phillip were from other peoples opinions and thoughts. I made a bold decision to choose me, to choose my heart-made choice and silence the noise. I made this choice respectfully and explained to my parents because I wanted them to understanding I was not making a rash crazy choice. I explained to them: Phillip was not just some boy I liked, this was a man I am in love with, a man that had multiple heart to hearts with me, a man that mutually believed we would be married one day. I would NEVER have made a choice to live with a man unless I was 110% sure that he would be my husband, and God told me years ago that he was the one. Phillip respected me so much so we talked about eloping to “make it right” but who would we be making it right for? Aunts? Uncles? family members? No way that was a life I wanted to live, nor is that an example I want to set for my children and loved ones. I wanted to be married when we were ready. I wanted Phillip to propose out of his free will not from my family talking him into it. I drew the line. I had support from my parents, and I had my spirit telling me its ok you got this. I took a leap of faith. Its okay to love and want to be with someone yet not be ready to take that step. Back in 2016 I thought I was ready to be married! Ha! But God showed me, in our first year of living together I found a joy like no other, after years of having to fly to each other it was great to have a shared home. We grew to get to know each other and challenge each other.

People are gonna judge no matter what. It’s on you to just not give a shit and do you.

I should not have to tell my business for you to judge me less or to make YOU feel okay about MY decisions. I should not have to explain that I’m a proud virgin, I should not have to explain how Phillip and I operated our apartment, split our bills, or anything like that. Unfortunately, co-habitating with your partner is most commonly associated with pre-marital sex. And unfortunately, people like to put their experiences and fears onto your life. Just because you get tempted doesn’t mean I will. Just because you couldn’t say no doesn’t mean I can’t. Just because I can freely and confidently make a choice based on my desires and not upon those of others conflicts with how things “used” to go or are “suppose to go.” This is where the word of the great I Am get confused with religious rules and constructions made by man. (And honey, that’s a whole another blog post). I have never been interested in following crowds, I have however always been interested in getting to know myself on a deeper spiritual level and letting that guide me. Follow the still voice, not the raging humans, they are only in the way of your greater.

Not even a year after living with my love he proposed to me. And I swear I felt as if God said, “I told you so.”

Our good news was soon combated with people pushing decisions on us. I remember crying to my sister-friend Khadene in her car, telling her what people were telling me and pressuring us to not have a long engagement and hurry and get married. “Oh just go to the courthouse and have a wedding later!”…. for what? I had another year of grad school left and a wedding of my dreams I wanted to plan. I wanted to be married and not come home to a thesis paper. Khadene set me straight and reminded me of my blessings. She told me I am blessed, that God blessed me with a wonderful man who loves me for me and respects all of me and my values. She reiterated, the idea that all people are troubled with is sex, and that it was none of their business if I was having it or not. She ended with saying that God blessed me with a sound heart and mind to be discerning and mindful of the word to make the best choices in grace and with faith. I left her reminding myself of the choice I made back in 2016 before Phil and I moved in together and how much joy I discovered following my heart. I wish that was the end of people bringing this kinda thing up to me, but it continues to happen every once in a while, but now I have a better way of responding and, trust I’m on solid ground.

I don’t believe the great I AM calls us to be afraid. By the grace of the great I AM, We live a life in faith, and fear gets in the way.

*Cue the song by J. Moss — Afraid* Fear can hold you back, fear can keep you from learning, just as fear of failure and disappointment can stifle your future. What you call failure and disappointment is self assessed and self diagnosed. I love the acronym: FAIL — First attempt in learning, Failures should be lessons learned. If you train yourself to believe it, it’s possible to never fail, embrace mistakes, OWN UP TO THEM, and get up and try again. We learn so much in these moments. Every hardship and valley I have been in emerged a lesson God needed me to learn, a skill I needed to gain, or an emotion I needed to adapt to. I’m grateful for every hill, mountain, and valley, because it has made me who I am.

Just because you lived a life one particular way does not mean the same will befall your children. Trust and empower your child, sibling, family member, or friend to pray, do soul searching and follow their heart of hearts. Encourage them to discover themselves and love themselves first.

I am able to love myself and others because God first loved me. Love from the Most High teaches us how to love period so its worthy to seek that love inside yourself. It’s a life changer for sure.